Where have I been the last few days? Lost somewhere, I'm not quite sure. I didn't even realize. Strange. I was just lost...clouded. I knew I didn't feel close to God I just hadn't realized what I was doing.
"Forgive them, father, for they know not what they do."
I know not what I do. Three steps forward and two steps back. I feel confused. This mess I've surrounded myself with and allowed to overwhelm me, it's been a reflection of my internal conflict. This un-kept home only a manifestation of my un-kept heart. I've brought the pain to surface. Now it just hurts. Now I see what I've been ignoring. I blocked it out. I didn't know what to do with it so I just avoided it. I still don't know what to do with it. I thought you brought us together, Lord. I know you did. I didn't question, I just followed, and you led me to him. He lit me up inside. I found love again...and now what? Nothing. Rejection. Why did you open my heart just leave me open and alone? ...I just re-read that. I'm not alone, am I? You're always there, I know. I still haven't accepted your love. Is this what you're trying to tell me? I'm so afraid it won't be sufficient. I've only heard stories of how heavenly it is and even then, I'm not sure I believe it. How can I get validation of your love? Is it better than the love I've always wanted? Will you give me the attention I've always craved? Will you show me that I matter...do I matter?
"...a sad face is good for the heart."
Seems I need a few more tears to cleanse the soul. I've dwelt for so long in the sorrow of his uncertain absence though. His lingering energy. How do you let go of love? Where does that belong in me? I have no place to put it, no way to label it and file accordingly. So again, I just ignore it. Do I just acknowledge it everyday, waving as it passes by? The pain, the reminder that he's gone, the voice telling me that it was always him, the hope holding onto "maybe, one day". Something in me right now is telling me I have to let go. Only because I know how hard that is for me with everything else. I still don't trust you God. I still don't trust myself. Forgive me, Lord. I'm ashamed. I'm sorry. I hold on to everything that convinced me that I could not trust. I can't let go but I have to. I want to be free...finally. It's time to burn the bridge. I'm terrified. I'm afraid of losing everything I've ever known yet I know I need to lose those ideologies in order to be free, what I was meant to be. I feel like a fool, Lord. So human. Stuck in my ways. It's almost amusing. It all means nothing. All of it! Nothing....
....
You teach me well, good Lord. How could I forget a journey like this? Trenches this deep that I so foolishly find myself in again and again. You teach me well, my good Lord. I'm so sorry to have forgotten you. I sought God's love in another. Through it though, I found you again. My tears are still yet to shed, but I remember now. Thank you.