I've come to you today to share my present pain. To show you that there is joy to be had even still in the darkest of times. I am going to lend myself to God so that I may speak to you with love and honor. I have experienced a great loss of love. I have felt very lost and in my youth, discovered very easily how to steer away from my own greatness. I feel a sadness lingering within me no matter how many victories I have in other corners of my life, though very many. What I need you to know is that it is under my control and my duty to find my happiness...my peace. God is always there. He runs through my veins, he makes this world I know. He gives me signs in life that sometimes pain me greatly to let me know I am veering off. It is up to me to listen. To not blame him for my troubles but realize that those troubles are his sometimes not-so-gentile nudge to wake me up. What we tend to not realize, is that pain and suffering are not real. They are only reactions to things that are usually not real either. As real as they all may seem, they are not the Truth.
I was in a relationship with a man that brought more joy to me than ever. Our relationship ended recently and it is still a shock to me sometimes that my best friend is now just a stranger that has seemingly been completely erased from my life. There is a part of me, the one that knows pain well, that is in utter shock. That part that, at times, cries herself to sleep feeling the pain of rejection and confusion. The yearning for his embrace again...the hope that he still loves me. The words bring tears to my eyes even now on this gloomy day ironically parallel to my mood.
But, alas, there is a wonderful, loving, and peaceful part of me that, no matter how blind other parts may be, has an ultimate understanding! I am grateful to God for the lesson that this seemingly tragic moment in my life will teach me. Even though I may not know that lesson, and I certainly cannot see the outcome, I know that there is light there. I wanted, more than anything, to show You how one can experience a sadness at the very moment of darkness and still have a peace about you. We must know that from darkness ALWAYS arises light. We must know that because when we have felt a pain so unbearable our body and mind seem to give up, surrender...and all of a sudden...that pain is gone. The experience that brought us the pain in the first place, it is still written in history. It still existed...but now the pain, or the illusion of it...is gone. And Now...in this very moment, that history does not exist. It is not happening Now. It only exists in your mind...and the pain from it? Only something you've chosen. Take that information and accept it, please. I know this truth, with the peacefulness within me. Yet I still cry tears of loss, a feeling that there is a part of me gone, even though I am still as whole and filled with life as I have ever been. That pain...those tears...that is a part of being human. A very creative method God has invented to teach me the way. These tears will guide me to the love that I think I am missing. This pain and humility will tear down the facade of the person I think I am to uncover the peace, joy and love that actually is me. And you will all experience it as well in your lifetime. Celebrate that beauty in the midst of the darkness. It is ok to feel lost, and confused. I still feel it now, but I know that God knows something that I don't. I know that beyond this pain, is me arising with a strength and a consciousness that I have yet to know. And because of that, I can allow that love to be lost still. Not chasing it or running away from.
It is, through my own unhealthy coping skills that I carry from my past, very difficult to not habitually drink my sorrows away or, to not search for the embrace of another to nurture the loss of self I sometimes feel without the love I had. I am still only human. As are You. But all of that is not the Truth. Love is still in my heart, and will always be there, because that is where I come from and that is what I am made of. My challenge is to help myself remember that in times of dissatisfaction. Times of unawareness. To listen to God when he is trying to tell me something. God needs me to stay awake! For You...for us. :)